it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
