I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
