yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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