May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
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