I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
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75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
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