I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
