I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
