I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
