Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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