u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
