Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My ass is underappreciated
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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