my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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