if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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