I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
