I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
