were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
this is an emotional support booty call
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
