your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
