I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
