he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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