fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
COCAINE IS GR8
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
