yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize