It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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