She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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