Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
