you guys were way drunker than both of me
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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