Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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