R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
