If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
