im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
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