I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
