I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
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Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
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You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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