You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
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I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
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I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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