we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
That accounts for only three of the penises
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
