I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
