Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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