dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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