i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
