maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
