he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
