I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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