I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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