Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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