you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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