I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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