I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
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I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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