Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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