Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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