I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
