the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
