After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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