So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
