he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
