Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
