Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I booty called her while she was in labor.
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He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
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You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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