Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
