i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
