You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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