My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
