Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus