if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
