I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
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It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!